Looking for some feedback from those who have read the Billenius Tale called "Journey to Freedom" to see if I should leave it here, or strip all but one chapter into an eBook this summer. I really need to hear from those who find the site, and see if they feel I should try this or not.... so please, dare the captchas and leave a comment for me. Or use the poll on the sidebar this week.
edited 5/3/15
And,if you cannot vote that way, use the contact me tab, and ping me an answer via email. I need some feedback on this, as it is time to decide, should I keep writing, set it aside to rebuild my life, or find a way to only do writing?
I will vote after reading the WHOLE thing not earlier. I'm slowly also lazy.
ReplyDeletePlease: Feedback after reading Chapter 1
1. Introduction must have acceleration in the first 10 rows. Acceleration of space ship. The grip must be so powerfull to grab reader's part of body and don't let go away all the reading time. This is not a place of humanism. How to do:
- no slang in first 10 rows;
- NO DIVIDING WHOLE THING;
- NO POSTING PART OF BOOK. NEVER. (times of young Alexander Dumas passed away. Just forget it)
All other things goes to responsibility of your HM Creativity.
2. Slang is good. Vocabulary or reminder "what means what" needs to be placed close to text. For Reader's comfort, of course.
3. Venomous part looks very professional. ok. Let's go further.
4.Less "I" will be fine in the part where FLAMENIS are awakening.
PS. I'll leave my sign after reading each chapter. Also feedbacks. It can lasts a while because of my unpredictable behaviour. Sometimes I need to hit somebody. Not often. Hope I will vote within 2 weeks.
PS. PS. You can leave a bottle of artificial eye drops somewhere in my web. Because of this black surrounding.
Will take the vocab bit to heart during the next edit pass. Thanks
DeleteFeedback after Chapter 2
ReplyDeleteThis was non-stop reading. Tempo - OK, well done.
A little bit repeated "I" in part about third eye.
Onegera's part - just excellent.
After part "Lupi, Volves" scream - probably here needs some reminding who is Didius or Ringalius described bellow as He.
Final sentence - just beauty.
Resume: even if I'll want to be - can't be picky.
Will try to read 3 chapter today later.
Gerrae's (The Onegara) part will surely grow... she is his true soul horse, the mount of a paladin, perhaps, or a ranger's horse follower.
DeleteDo what you do, David Rex :)
DeleteFeedback for chapter 3
ReplyDeleteActually, highlighting character and Billenius tenderness. Especially eating scene.
That's strange, usually, disable has hidden deeply inside feelings of hate or anger. Does Billenius takes his blindeness as gift? despite he talks about it as dissability. Have a feeling - he is proud of ability to see an auras.. One more question appear: all of women till the end of 3 chapter seems extremely strong, powerfull, even sometimes dangerous. This is just a fact. I don't go through it more. Yet.
I can feel ultra sensitive other perceptions of Billenium. Nose, fingertips.. Can be some cuttings done in directs description of these. Because enough indirect. Just less text here, probably.
Soludrin's gift scene - original.
Family's moving part - needs corrections: a lot of repeating He, His, Her (asking for synonimous). Lost tempo of hurry, needs cuttings of words here to create stress sensation.
Anyway - looks like it must be one paperBook or eBook.
Feedback for chapter 4
ReplyDelete(Of course, i can butter it. But...
- before reading I need: 1. To increase screen size 150%; 2. Try not to think about my eyes; 3. To be polite and search for "contact me tab" in such darkness;
Finally - I didn't found this place. Or - I must be a blogger?? As ghost I am old-fashion, but have email with my name and surname. Can't see similar here anyway)
So - feedback is here. And you must survive it.
First and most important thing - in this chapter You can lose your further Editor.
Cuttings are strongly recommended. Desert, nature, landscapes descriptions needs to be concentrated, avoiding repeated and common words . As less as possible.
Opposite - story about Billenius accident with drakonis and lost eye asks to be explored, even in dramatic way.
Sentence "I started to walk away" was double -posted.
Now - second critically dangerous thing. Loosing of main hero..
Consider, please - it is Billenius or .. Onagera now?
Also lost tempo again and storyline.
I've got impression - this chapter was written or in long time period, or was done large gap between writing.
As I am independent reader, have no responsibiities to please you just for pleasing, I can write how it's looks outside these jeans frames.
Hm, but friendly reader. With responsibility not to let you ruine whole thing because of one chapter. Mind your head. Here is the helmet.
P.S. Answer to your edited post - Yes, you should keep writing, set it aside to rebuild your life. Keep your job + do your writing.
For Egoistic Purposes only: writing on empty stomac is not good for Reader.
I have never used an email with my name and surname (real), save at jobs, and that is because I long ago knew the horrors that hackers would someday fall to doing to us, by seeking private info to make money. Call me paranoid. :P
DeleteYes,most of these were done with long breaks between,up to a year at times, as others intrude, stopping me from writing. I am aware the voice of the tale has breaks, and need to rework it further to fix that.
Gerrae (the Onagera) as hero...heroine, excuse me... wow. Yeah, that would be a fun story to have out there.
I am very safe when using my own name on emails because even hackers have a fear to terrorize northern elves. Knowing my naughty, stubborn and cruel behaviour
DeleteAlso i did just one job search once for one month whiiiiile ago and was irritated enough by stupidity of employers posts response. :p
Feedback for chapter 5
ReplyDeleteI've read it a while ago - it was perfect and still is.
No cuttings, no changes.
It can be a part of book, or it can be posted alone as a single story.
Feedback for chapter 6
ReplyDeleteFor some peoples part about wine drinking can look over-precise, too long likely.
With one exception. Sentence "upseting our drinks". That is a brilliant.
Mysterious Onagera gemeology - for further investigations.
Fight scene will be liked by men readers. For women readers - can be shorter.
For women wearing non-stop jewelry - even unnecessary. Why? Clearly explained in next scene where Billenius easily takes someone treasures.
Pure reality, no even trace of fantasy. Someone's brilliants some skilled persons can easy take, enjoy, share, return safely without evidence or excuses. For free.
Trusted owners, later, probably, will be glorified in publicity, loudly shouting about endless love and loyality to them. Which is hard to believe even for youngest readers.
So thats's the truly realistic part in this tale.
Next. Preaparations for race lasts so long - otherwise it can be interesting for race-men. Also all other race-related purposes.
To cut or not to cut? That is the question.
To like or not to like? Some likes can exist forever. Even after changing likes or minds.
I'll leave all these things for Author to think about.
Got chills. Time for my tea.
Feedback for chapter 7
ReplyDeleteRace is boring. But that's fine.
I have a scattered thoughts and confusing with titles of warriors. But that's fine.
Other things are fine.
Part about cakes needs exploring. Plz.
Also at least few recipes. Plz.
I have seriously thought of breaking Norbanus out of the tale, having him be the protector of the young Imperatrix, not Billenius. Which could thin the line of titles, to an extent.
DeleteFeedback for Chapter 8:
ReplyDeleteAfter head injury and gull one of heroes experienced in race there is naturaly swithed part to landscapes again.
Opposite to Chapter's 4 landscapes - there are reasons to do so. Shortly: where are gems - there are drakonis as well.
Well done.
Other very good thing.
Just few sentences about female who spied Billenius.
And just few words about his feelings regarding this. That's the Gentleman way.
Agree 100% - spying must be:
1. Announced
2. Goal for spying named - for example, "to read the book".
3. Limits discussed
4. Actions made
5. Ressume written
If not as written above - it's not a spying but disaster and must be destroyed.
Another, cruel, but strongly written thing is episode of pain and intimidation of Billenius when seeing death in mountains created by northestern elves.
Web with sceletons and undead corpses, magic cleaning of remainings except ambassador's skeleton.. Well done.
I'll read today chapter 9 and will vote.
Sooo, Feedback for Chapter 9
ReplyDeleteActually, it is the same chapter 8 just slightly modificated.
Female who spied Billenius now has a name Caligaria.
Some more details about caligarias. Good.
Web, battle with poisonous spiders - more detailed. Good.
Impression - this is better version of previous chapter 8.
Now I will vote.
Write in peace, Author.
If you'll need more feedbacks and wasn't upset with my present creations - ask once. That's enough.
Just unbelievable - how time is going fast!
ReplyDelete(thoughtful elf)