On the Concoction and Use of Potions for the Evoking of Love or Lust, and Litigious Issues One Faces Afterwards - by Ezramus Lenitsui Potsherdus, MAA (Magister Ars Alchemi)

Once more reaching that season of the year, when Cupid foolishly darts about the sky in the nude or just his loincloth, seeking victims to skewer with his dastardly darts, I have been asked to hold forth upon the concoction of potions to ensure one can gain the love of another. This is a damned silly notion, as Cupid, and his alter ego, Eros, are both very jealous of any seeking to gain success within their realms of control over the fates of us mere mortals, and even those of his fellow immortals. Yet, it is also one of the greatest times of opportunity in an alchemist’s year, the one time when, at least until the effects, real and imagined, wear off, and the fools using such seek out barristers to seek compensation for damages done, again real and imagined, to their status, wealth, soul, mental health, et cetera, ad nauseum.

In all honesty, the best thing for an alchemist to do is to either concoct potions under an assumed name, or merely create and sell the formula to others, then distance oneself behind another barrister’s legal machinations to hide the true intent of the potions under some thinly veiled reference in the sales contracts.

But, first one must define which the customer truly seeks, be it Love, or Lust, the duration, and then start the gathering of materials, brewing of the potions, salves, incense, whatever it may be, before the potential client loses interest in the purchasing of such, due to long term exposure to their “true love” or “heart’s desire”. This latter is the most tricky, hence, I recommend always keeping a supply of many materials at hand for such.

Now, as to the definitions of Love and Lust, they are many, and complex. Suffice it to say, Love is a more long-term dream state, in which one’s will is warped, wrapped more actually, around the third finger of another, despite the denials of such by the owner of said finger. Some claim this warping of one’s will is mutual, and beneficial, but my coin coffers, after six forays into that field, beg to differ. Lust is much easier to achieve, often the root of the supposed desire for Love, and centered in the nethers, the easiest portion of the body to corrupt with alchemical reactions, or to purge of such utterly.

As such, and due to the shorter lengths of such potions duration within a consumer’s system, which leads to a greater potential for future sales to the same clients, I advise one to seek to talk any into lust over lust in the purchasing of such. That, and the supplies are less dramatic and easier to obtain.

For the production of Love, by example, one needs things like hairs from the nethers of a unicorn, at least a dram of blood from six separate virgins (on the assumption that their blood will be tainted thaumaturgically as they will either be liars about abstinence, define abstinence too loosely for purity control to work, or slip before the potion is consumed, turning it from Love to Lust, which is a pain in the coin purse, as the imbibers fail to achieve that warping, and just rut for a moon or nine before the wake-up call comes via a non-virgin conception. Not to mention one needs the heart of a good dragon, the scales shed by a serpent living in an apple tree, two feathers from the comb or a cockatrice, over a pound of flesh from the heart of a banker (only found in the younger, foolish ones, never an older one), and the essence of a lawyer’s soul (a mythical thing that I never have found). Some formulas substitute lesser things for the above, or add things, depending upon duration required, age of the intended imbibers, such as the feather of an angel (difficult to gain, and often just one of a fallen one, which invokes lust, not love, hence the many litigation issues that follow this time of year for alchemists who do not gather their own materials carefully), the ashes of the loincloth of a harlot with a gold heart (pricey, as most of those are consumed with greed, and charge extra to take their loincloths after a visit, as well as the normal brothel fees), the nest of long mated griffons (one must absolutely ensure that the beasts are the only one for hundreds of leagues around, for the females of this species are known not to be truly monogamous, unless one is brewing a polyandry love potion, for a large group of individuals, in which case make sure you have the nest linings from one that is not monogamous by an stretch of imagination for maximum effect), and many more.

For lust, you just need six items, in varying amounts depending upon the duration and requirements of memory of the incident afterwards. First, six drams of any alcoholic beverage, a distillation made from the loincloths of all intended imbibers after soaking in a mix of honey from a nest of bees that feed only upon mandrake flowers, the snout of a dozen kissing bugs, thirteen drops of absinthe to ensure no bad memories of the night or time survive, and the ground ashes of a tome of bodice rippers by some popular bard, the higher the quality of the paper and writing, the better, though some claim success from using tomes or scrolls of salacious poetry also works. (I have yet to try that, as many of those are written only on the flayed skin of the writer or his victims, most of those poets being devils of some sort. The bards are just greedy, charging massively for their works,  but the bodice-ripper tales work just fine and are more readily available, trust me.) Further, one can add the following things to make them more palatable, or use in other methods than ingestion: To make a salve of it, add distillate of fiery dragon sputum for a thick, warming to the skin salve; soak a stick of rosewood spliced to cinnamon-wood, then dry for use as incense; one can create a perfume by adding muskrat spray, for everyone knows muskrat love is just temporary, until spring when she will run away; and last, my most common request, eau-de-toilet, to bury the stench of one’s dinner aftermath, so one’s hopeful night’s companion will stay the night, not just until the first hints dinner is done being digested.

As to their preparation, this is where it gets very tricky. Take careful notes, fellow practitioners and hopeful students, for these are not meant to be made in the simple lead cauldrons of witches in the woods, nor the stewpot of some serving wench desperate for release from a bad contract with an innkeeper. These potions are very volatile, pose dire health risks to the alchemist, and are known to leave behind nasty residues that either taker forever to clean up properly, or make the vessels and tools unusable for anything short of beating off servers of summons before the throne afterwards.

Love potions may only be brewed properly over a fire made of untainted, unfortified wines, stomped into juice from grapes only by the washed feet of red-headed virgins, held in a brazier of gold with feet of alabaster and supports made of fine bones from a lovebird, but works best when the crystal (cut only for this one use, from virgin rock outcrops exposed by the blow of a good-natured giant upon a mountain of limestone, not granite), and supported by the feathers of said lovebird. A bird of paradise’s feathers and bones may also be used, but only if you wish for matrimony and the ensuing long-term destruction of one’s social life by such a union afterwards. The ingredients must be simmered only for nine moons, to ensure fertile hearts will accept them, then filtered through a sandwich of white silk, silkworm, not spider, unless one wants love devouring you, and charcoal ash from the fire cauldrons of the Vestal Virgins’ heart offering sacrificial blazes, a layer of thinly sliced corned beef, as love is corny at times, and last a pad of wool from a lamb’s first shearing. This is then drained into a funnel of mother of pearl lined diamond crusted gold, into a vial made of silver made from coins of the realm minted in the years the intended victims, um, users, were born. The preferred stopper for the vial should be freshly cut cork, soaked in seafoam overnight before using.

Lust potions, being more earthy, just require clay vessels to hold the fire, lit from the sparks of common sulfur matches, with supports of brass for the brewing vessel, which can be of any metal save gold or lead, alloys preferred, as the mixture of metals ensures the shelf life of the potion, so you may brew well in advance of the season of heart breaking to ensure maximum profits from efforts. It can be stored in lead crystal vials, with simple rock salt caps, or hardened lard seals. Brewing takes little effort, just let it all sit in the open air on a brothel roof for a night, or a window sill downwind of one, and then boil it until a froth forms, before cooling in the breath of a frigid woman’s snores overnight. The latter ensures the potion’s temporary nature, using the snores of a dragon can make the fires stirred eternal, and lead to other issues on top of malpractice claims by Cupid and Eros

Now, as to dealing with litigation issues, I have found most of these come from “Undesired Conception” claims filed in court afterwards, by several moons, and thus remember to make your vials of the Lust potions to hold two layers of potion, the standard Non-conception formula on top, and to be drank first, with the lust provoker under a separate, difficult to remove except by excited young lovers seal between them. The reason is that if you allow the users to administer themselves the potions separately, they inevitably get excited, forget to do that or place the required cockatrice corpse under the bed to ensure slaying the fertility of their union, and they skip the prophylactic dosage before giving in to the potion.

Regardless of which potion you make, be sure to visit the local lust and love god/goddess temple first, before each step, making a small offering of about five percent of your projected income, lest the priestesses, or worse, the gods themselves, take umbrage over your practice of the arts inside their fields, and seek compensation beyond your income from your endeavors, as was the case with Rapscallion the Pauper, who never again could even afford a dram of water, let alone other ingredients, and was reduced to making simple balms for chapped lips by the various injunctions Cupid gained from a judge who desired to become the Queen’s Lover, granting the god all incomes save that for the rest of his natural life, and six more after it.

Take care with the methods and place of brewing them as well, for improper timing of the stages can lead to explosive results. Or deadly ones, as Heathen Harold found out, when he failed to ensure the cooking of his Love potion under the proper moon of the year, which is the third blue cheese moon, the second blue moon of the harvest season, when the blue flies are hatching in the cheese, which is cut downwind from all towns, for safety of all’s noses.

Further, one should have a devil draft a contract for all purchasers to sign, waiving all liability for misuse, improper use, wrongful consumption by unintended targets (as Marcius Solarius should have, when his customers failed to use their potions correctly, and wound up allowing a group of extremely foul ogresses to imbibe with them, leading to considerable time spent at court fighting the claimants’ petitions for a cure for their love potion to release them from being forced to live with such hideous beasts, which ended his career by sheer extent of time spent thusly, instead of preparing potions), and other misadventures such a potion might take. (Notably, the incident of Jareth Jarhead’s improper disposal of a lust potion vial into the watershed near a battlefield, and the resulting conquest of Amazonia by an army of men, or vice versa, depending upon the point of view of the generals involved, when the warriors on both sides departed without fighting, spending decades populating a former wasteland with a horde of feral children from their unions.)

Also, there is the matter of disposal of the materials left over by the concoction process, which can also leach into the environment, creating strange new beasts, population explosions like Jareth’s disaster, explosions like my own currently debated at court here in Thogras disposal of the dragon’s heart causing a volcano to form, and the like. Proper prior planning prevents prolific predatory profit purloining petitions, remember the nine “p’s”, my students.