Satire interview with Buck the Bum

The following is satire, unless you are homeless, in which case, you probably can relate to it. Buck is a figment of my imagination, as is this reporter.

Buck the Bum, met on the street by our intrepid reporter...

When appraised of the current move by the Utah Legislature on a bill banning "aggressive" panhandling.... boy, that made him unload both barrels.

IR: Excuse me, can I ask you some questions, I'm with the Town Jester, a news outlet that seeks folks input on issues that just beg for lampooning.

Buck: Sure, just don't block the sign, will ya, and stay back by the tree, look like your passed out or something, otherwise folks think I'm dealing drugs, and I hate having folks get pissed for handing me money and not giving them their good time stuff in return. You have to duck flying lead and do paperwork with the cops when they leave you alive.

IR: So, this is a broad bill, HR101, kind of reads like another attempt at making any panhandling illegal again.

Buck: Yeah, biggest panhandlers on the planet, they're scared of the competition we are giving them.

IR: What?

Buck: Look, these bums looked at their campaign coffers, and realized donations was down. They see us out here making money, and viola, we are the real reason for their shortfall in earnings. Hell, folks is giving us more, as at least we bums is honest. (Taps his sign, which reads: "Yeah, I'm going to get high, but at least I ain't a politician.")

IR: Look, you know that some of you do get aggressive.. and act unsafe? Right?

Buck: Yeah, once they get hit enough, they can't do stupid things like that. Shame for the folks that hit 'em. But, you ain't gonna cure stupid with rules. Just makes them dumber, and wastes your time.

IR: So, you are for the law?

Buck: Hell, no. Look, Like I said, this bill is all about them being scared we're out here getting money that they used to get. And with all the scandals and disgust about political >bleep<, they are right to be scared. I mean, really, why give them taxes and money on the side? At least when you tip waitresses, you get better service. Tip politicians? They come back for more, and raise your taxes to boot.

IR: Like the homeless pay taxes. You have no report-able income.

Buck: Look, still spend some of this in stores, that gets taxed, same as everyone else. And, I smoke. I ain't really trying to get high, it's my gimmick. But tobacco is taxed at, what, about one-hundred forty percent. About a third of my money goes there. I bet I pay more in tax than most folks do, as a percentage.

IR: Right. So, still not reported on the income?

Buck: Not all of us make a fortune out here. Most days, you get a few coins, not much, less than a fiver, others you strike it rich, and more days than you admit, you leave the corner empty handed, or with supplies only. Drinks, food, maybe some gloves or other stuff. I don't fly that often. Figure, at best, even the most die-hard only make about sixty-five hundred a year, and that is under the deductible. I know, looked it up out of curiosity. Me, I'm lucky to get fifty, maybe sixty a month. I only fly for a limited time, and walk away early if I exceed a certain amount. Pass that mark by big, and I won't fly for a week or more, sometimes three. Out of  respect for the gifts and the givers. Unless I have to.

IR: Back to the bill, how would it impact you?

Buck: Make it tougher, reduce the number of corners we can use, which means the druggies and boozers will be more belligerent at trying to rule corners. Fights will go up, as will crimes against the homeless. You jam us in tight into a few spots, and it attracts the problems of drugs and stupidity like flies to >bleep<. Might reduce the posers, those fakes who come out here, pretending to be one of us. But, it won't stop the fools from doing this in dumb places, so the cops will be tied up enforcing this stuff, and not able to work on the bigger issues of real crimes, like the drug dealings and robberies that are spiking up a bit, with the down economy. Not saying it ain't a good idea, just not a wise one at this time. Fix the economy, fix the system, and this will taper off. Just remember it, and fix the laws then, or better, redesign the unsafe spots so they can't be used.

IR: You think that will end homelessness? Fixing the economy.

Buck (after long fit of laughter): Dude, there been homeless folks since we came down from the trees, or Adam and Eve got evicted from Eden, depending upon your point of view. This country was built from homeless folks. >bleep<, even the Native Americans ancestors were homeless, before shifting to grounds here to hunt. Everyone in America has at least a few homeless bums in their woodpile.
End it? Forget that. You can reduce it, make it less of a crime magnet, but you will never lick it. Besides, we homeless walk in good company. Look at the who's who of the homeless. Ghandi was homeless, Andy Jackson, a president, was one for a while after the Revolution, Davy Crockett, Wild Bill Hickock, most of those that came west? Homeless. Then, for the religious who mock us, well...Moses, Lot, Abraham, Jesus of Nazreth, John the Baptist, Mohammed, Buddha? All homeless at some time. Best we can do, try to keep the numbers down, and give hope it will end. Real hope, not those rollercoaster rides most suffer trying to get out.
Buck:(looks around, still smiling) Yeah, kind of funny, I think. You look at who is really aggressive about getting money. At least we don't use phones to disturb your meals at home with calls for money to "beat" our opponents. Anything that much fun, we do personally, not with ads or posters. And we got 'em scared of losing money to us. The dregs of society. (laughs) Yep. And if they keep having all these problems in their own ranks, folks actually might uptick the money to us over giving to them. Or, maybe, one of us should run for their offices. They can't complain if we are better than them, and honest about we plan to pocket most of it. After all, we're just bums.

Buck shooed me off, after that last bit. Said he looked too happy, and folks were afraid he was planning something criminal as he looked at them.

Forecast of Perils - A poem of warning to all.

Given the coming Ice-storm predicted here in SLC tonight, folks, take heed to the guy who once lived where they often occur.....

You will fall,
no matter how sure-footed,
even with all your cautiously placed steps,
so walk with extra care
keeping elbow tucked.

When you drop,
roll to pulled in side
and seek to find the frozen ground
with shoulder blade before head,
shoulder or arm.

Let it happen,
you'll just mess up backs
trying to argue with gravity and ice
as they seek to embrace
you like bears.

Power lines collapse
under the weight after while
and with six to twelve hours predicted
just count on those blocking
your forward progress.

Lights will fail,
as it progresses wrapping limbs
of trees not really bred for such abuse
snapping them off with pops
then tackling cables.

This is hell
at least if frozen over,
an ice skater's dream to commute across
a driver's worst nightmare risen
out of darkness.

So, take heed,
stock up on rock salt,
kitty litter and other traction aiding devices
slow down your pace some
and accept it.

'Cause hurrying around
just leads to nasty accidents
and there are too many of those already
come this time of year
that flatten cheer.

Most of all,
watch out for the walkers
who will plant their fundaments very hard,
before sliding into heavy traffic
before stopping's possible.

Call it revenge
of Jack Frost for Spring
as he covers the world around you
in beautiful ice that make
for picturesque moments.

Just never forget,
even while admiring that sheathed tree
there is danger all around you tomorrow
waiting to break your bones,
or bruise pride.

18December2013 - Dyfedd Rex, praying he and the weather men blow this forecast.

The Buck Gets His Trophy - A poem of Nature

He sought his prey
out on the blacktop
between Rice-Eccles Stadium
and the cemetery opposite
criss-crossing that highway
in a steady gait
waiting for his target
to come into range

He let many pass
an old Chevy pickup
the police Crown Vic
the first Trax train
even the garbage truck
for those were common
and this young buck
set his sights higher.

Color did not matter
no red flashy ride
could lure him out
into lanes of traffic
before the right vehicle
and his chosen victim
came chugging up slow
seeking to reach class.

A most endangered species
as reward for patience
aiming antlers with care
as he pawed twice
the charged with purpose
before she could react
to dodge his attack
with a quick swerve.

The cop had waited
worried this was coming
and groaned in despair
over the extra paperwork
as the impact occurred
and the buck scored,
taking out with him
the last running Yugo.

The road stayed shut
for half the morning
with traffic taking detours
as they took time
to make the investigation
even though taped replays
from the officer's dash-cam
showed the events clearly.

What is the moral
of this strange story?
Simple if you ponder
over what I've said.
"Never drive the last
car of any model
in your local area
unless deer are scarce."

Still now I wonder
do those wild herds
play the same games
as we used to?
Assigning silly imaginary points
for certain car makes,
models or vintage years
or even driver types?

If it ain't so,
then the only option
left to answer me
is they are suicidal
and seek to gather,
like the ancient pharaohs,
a special honor guard
for their next life.

29November2011 posted finally or again - Dyfedd Rex